4 Easy Steps to Permanently End Crime

Earlier this week, researchers from the Center for Millennial Science made the greatest discovery in the history of society: they have determined how crime happens. The researchers discovered that every single crimes has been committed by someone who is either:

(1) the child of a single-mother;
(2) socioeconomically disadvantaged;
(3) male or female;
(4) born within the last century.

Based on their revolutionary data, the researchers say that ending crime would be a simple four-step process—one step for each cause of crime:

(1) end single-motherhood—by enforcing sexual abstinence until marriage, forcing marriage upon pregnancy, and immediately jailing anyone who celebrates the notion of single-motherhood;
(2) end socioeconomic disadvantage—by forbidding citizens from indulging in nonsense that squanders their time and renders them economically useless to everyone around them;
(3) end gender—by discontinuing the social labels that cause people to act “male or “female”;
(4) end birth for the next century: people cannot commit crime, if they’re not born.

The millennial researchers say that their crime-ending solutions would coincide perfectly with the Green New Deal, which calls for the dismantling and destruction of everything that causes problems. “And the key,” say the millennial social-scientists, “is to declare any and all dissent to be anti-science, racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, pedophile-phobic, coprophilia-phobic hate-thought.”

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