12-step Program to Blame Kids for Shit Culture (RE “shut the fuck up” at kindergarten graduation)

Step 1. Make kids sit in uncomfortable chairs, facing forward, in a room full of chattering adults.

Step 2. Play loud, annoying music.

Step 3. Cut the music off suddenly.

Step 4. Yell in the kid’s face.

Step 5. As a man, follow a woman’s lead, and toss out “no thank you,” as a response to “shut the fuck up,” demonstrating to the people who matter to you in that social moment — everyone but your child — that you “run a tight ship” and junior knows better.

Step 6. Yell a condescending, rhetorical “do you need to leave?” at the antagonized child.

Step 7. As the father, finally step in to over-discipline and embarrass the child, since the woman in charge could not lead male children if her paycheck depended on it (which it doesn’t — instead, the school will simply refer the “problem child” to psychiatric drug-pushers, to test their newest products).

Step 8. Appreciate all the docile girls and feminized boys for sitting still quietly and obediently during your foolish failure as a leader.

Step 9. Pretend not to notice that you live in a culture where the immediate reaction of plenty people in the room was to laugh.

Step 10. Pretend not to notice that plenty people are entirely addicted to “internet memes” of abused and neglected children doing and saying dysfunctional things. (And upload a video of the incident, and title the upload “MUST SEE!! KID yells shut the fuck up at teacher!!!!” and include the following description: “Kid yells at kindergarten graduation for theacher [sic] to stfu! Then says NO bitch! Unbelievable!!”)

Step 11. Pretend not to notice all the miserable children (and mediocre adults) created by this kind of hypocrisy and scapegoating.

Step 12. Coast down and die disappointed and depressed — while pretending that you “did your best.”

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