Goodbye Pearl: the fun and fulfilling story of two guys murdering a woman

Wayne and Marty during highschool

Marty and Wayne during highschool

Once upon a time, Marty and Wayne were happy highschool guys in a small town. After highschool, Marty went out traveling, and Wayne stayed in the town and married Pearl. Soon, Pearl revealed herself to be a violent narcissist, and she began hitting Wayne, who then distanced himself from her.

Pearl began stalking Wayne, and one day attacked him—using a weapon and the element of surprise to compensate for her weak body. Wayne did not fight back, because he was taught that “there is never an excuse to hit—a woman.” And Pearl was similarly taught that there is never an excuse for her to be hit. So Pearl casually beat Wayne with her weapon, without any fear of him hitting her back in self-defense, until her weak arms got tired—then she left.

Goodbye Pearl

Pearl’s dead body, as it was found after two heroic men beat her to death for her misandry

Marty visited Wayne in the hospital. There, they conspired to murder Pearl. They captured Pearl and beat her to death. The murder was fun and empowering, and Pearl deserved to die. The two men laughed and sung.

 

A few days later, two lady-cops with cotton crammed up their vaginas came looking for Pearl, trying to arrest her for attacking Wayne—because hurting innocent men is a hate crime under the Violence Against Men Act.

The two men were not suspected of murder because the she-cops knew that men are always victims, never villains. The short, weak almost-cops concluded their she-search for Pearl and, turning to the two lovely, talented men, said, “Thank you gentlemen, if you need sex from us, then let us know.”

Nobody missed Pearl, and the two guys opened up a shop, and lived happily ever after.

Well, hey hey hey
Ah, hey hey hey
Well, hey hey hey

-The gender-reverse version of “Goodbye Earl,” a song by three ugly old women called the Dixie Chicks.

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