On a steamy Tucson morning in 2018, she journalist Carol Ann Alaimo-Jiminez-Gonzalez-Guitierrez-Salsa-Taco of the Arizona Daily Start woke up, crammed cotton up herself to delay reality, and set out on another day of informing the world.
Then, on her, like ya know, twitter timeline, she, like, saw this guy who, like, was trying to be all like a lawyer—without even doing law skool! OMG WTF!?
So Alaimo-Jiminez-Gonzalez-Guitierrez-Salsa-Taco did what any brown-blooded she-journalist would do—she incorporated the following sentence into a professional news story about a man embattled for self-important legalists for “practicing Law without a license”:
“‘My friends call me the Lincoln lawyer,’ [Greg Shannon Levitt] says, a reference to a 2011 film in which actor Matthew McConaughey plays an attorney who does business out of his Lincoln Continental”
Meanwhile, only such a silly she-journalist as Salsa-Taco, with a mind melted by her cellular slot-machine, and a perspective enfeebled by obsessive gazing at the Mexican flag that flies slow-motion in the empty space behind her eyes—only she would assume that a 68-year-old “law school dropout” characterizes himself by, or is characterized by, Matthew McConaughey films from the year 2011.
Rather, the “Lincoln Lawyer” moniker likely refers to a certain U.S. president who—as less than a “law school dropout” in the eyes of she-journalists like Gordita Taquita at the Arizona Daily Star—never attended even a day of “law school,” yet managed to do more than Levitt’s “gumming up the legal efforts of [those ‘real’ lawyers who were anointed by the noble American Bar Association],” as the professional she-journalist frames it.
And she lived happily ever after: cramming cotton up herself, spouting half-thought nonsense, and being a mediocre bore—from now until eternity.
*Fun fact: Within years of Greg Shannon Levitt’s birth, the “National Negro Bar Association” bumbled onto the legal scene—because the noble, suicide-encouraging murder-advocates of the American Bar Association did not deal in niggers until later in its majestic history.
1. See Carol Ann Alaimo, Tucson man is again caught practicing law without a license, State Bar says (Arizona Daily Star 2018).
2. See Lorelei Laird, ABA House passes resolutions opposing legal discrimination against the LGBT community (ABA 2019).
3. See Philip Hager, Lawyers quit ABA over abortion stand . . . (LA Times 1992).