Discovered: the most expensive prostitute in world history

Random boring know-it-all MacKenzie Tuttle, the “novelist” novelty-wife of Amazon head-headhunter Jeff “ball-less Bozo” Bezos—the limpest, richest, most pitiful man in history—is set to be the highest-priced prostitute in the history of the world.

After awkwardly climbing all over Bezos’s pitiful little penis a few time during the last few decades, Tuttle will undoubtedly receive tens of billions of dollars via the heavy-handed, corrupt government upon which her client Jeff so proudly depends, as a corporate welfare-recipient whose modern-slavery-model requires endless public subsidies and compensations in order to operate without inciting even more revolt—and even outright civil-war—among those many millions of exploited wretches whose chains Amazon maintains.

Reached for comment, the sad, hyper-socialized naked-molerat squinted, “If I knew that I would be divorced 25 years after marriage—I still would have done it all over again.”

Of course Bezos said that…what is he supposed to say? “Not even my billions can buy me a loyal set of holes”? If this is success, well then…congratulations.

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