“I had it all,” whimpered Mark Zuckerberg — the limp, hypertensive inmate, nicknamed Tadpole Sperm by other prisoners, for his striking resemblance to both a tadpole and a sperm. “I had a multi-billion-dollar company, a dozen houses throughout the world, an almost-feminine Asian wife who thought my tiny Jew-penis was ‘good enough’, and, best of all, I was in charge of deciding what people were allowed to say to each other. It was unbelievable fun while it lasted. To be honest, I don’t really know how it all unraveled,” Zuckerberg said softly, as bitch tears rolled down his face during a televised interview from his new home at San Quentin State Prison, just an hour north of Zuckerberg’s former Facebook palace in Menlo Park.
Mark OiVey Zuckerberg was calm for his interview, and claimed to be unaware of how his empire fell apart, but his words during a raging hissy-fit inside the courtroom a week before his incarceration were not calm — and those words showed that Zuckerberg clearly knows more than he is now willing to admit.
Murmuring crowds hushed as the jury returned to the courtroom and delivered its verdict. “Guilty on all counts, mah nigga,” sassed the black female lead-juror to the judge, one hand on her hip, the other hand playing with the hot-pink and hot-green jump-ropes velcroed to her head, as she smacked her pcp-laced gum loudly. Racist gasps echoed through the room. Suddenly, Mark Zuckerberg bolted to his feet.
As his lawyer tried in vain to pull him back and quiet him, Zuckerberg cursed anyone and everyone, in what has been deemed by Charles M. Blowjob of the New York Times as ‘MMMM! white cock tastes so good’.
“I’ve been a naaaaaughty slave, massah! Gimme that bumpy, rotten pink crayon, massah! Put it in the coalmine, massah!” -New York Times anti-racist reporter Charles M. Blowjob, begging the white guys he brings home from the club, during their diverse and inclusive BDSM role-playing.
“WTF OMG LMAO!,” screamed Zuckerberg — literally articulating each letter of each acronym. “Y’all mufukas ain’t finna lock a nigga up over some dumb shit like dis,” he jewed angrily, drawing on Ebonics lessons he had taken for two semesters at Trump University.
Turning to newscameras in the courtroom, Zuckerberg’s fury increased: “Dershowitz! Clinton! Obama! Schumer! — all you snake muthufukas! — y’all betta fix dis shit! We tell the same lies, we cheat the same system, we rape the same kids, we poison the same niggers, we terrorize the same rape victims! And I ain’t fixin to serve no mufukin jail time for no ‘insider-trading’ and ‘structuring’ bullshit.
“All you mufukas! FUK YOU! DIE SLOW! MUTHUFUKA MY 44 MAKE SURE ALL YALL KIDS WON’T GROW,” screeched Zuckerberg, reciting lines from the Tupac Dindu Shakur song, “Hit ’em up,” to which Zuckerberg had masturbated throughout his time as a Tadpole Sperm at Harvard, while dreaming of earning enough billions to buy his very own almost-feminine Asian who would consider his tiny Jew-penis to be good enough.
Minutes later, outside the courtroom, the prosecution’s star witness, Former Myspace CEO Tom Anderson, explained the situation to the few reporters who gave a shit, and a crowd of Black Lives Matter activists who were at the courthouse protesting that poop is brown:
“Well,” began Anderson, “that robotic, socially-retarded ginger jew-rat knew early on that his fascistic approach to censorship and spying was alienating a significant part of his user-base, nearlly all of whom are either clueless, dying baby-boomers with moral-dementia, or else burnt-out Gen-Xers with kids and tattoos they regret — and all of whom are just desperate for a place to share their boring pictures about boring events, and to vent their half-assed theories about whatever nonsense they read from some boring millennial armed with an opinion, a journalism degree, and a job at some failing news organization that clickbaits for attention from fools, and pennies from ad revenue.
“Mark knew that the new generation had zero interest in ‘Facebook’: while previous generations were overjoyed with the newfangled ability finally to communicate–freely and for free–around the country and around the world–the new generation took for granted that kind of communication, and saw Facebook as just a constrictive, mediocre digital-playground, where helicopter-parents could and would constantly keep an eye on their kids’ digital footprints.
“The kids, these days, aren’t into ‘Facebook’–they’re into the instagramming, the snapchatting, and that Russian one, VK, with all the drug-dealers and pedophiles–”
“And sexy adolescents!,” shouted Jeffrey Epstein at one of his monitors, watching the newscast from the comfort of his home, thanks to the sway that wealthy pseudo-Jews hold over the FBI. Epstein’s other monitors were dialed in to the various Metzitzah B’Peh live-cams featuring sexy baby boys getting their hot little new-born cocks cut up and sucked by lucky, herpes-infected, sane, respectable Jews.
“So even before Facebook’s stock started dropping,” Anderson continued, “Zuckerberg and his team of anti-Jew Zionists got all that inside information about the impending implosion of their stocks–and they started Structuring and Insider Trading, to sell off their stocks gradually, quietly, and completely, in order to avoid worrying the market and collapsing their stocks’ value. Well that is a crime. And Mark Zuckerberg is a criminal! So now let’s all finally get back to creating our impossibly awkward webpages on Myspace.com–and Make Myspace Great Again!”
A few reporters golf-clapped, as chants from protesters swallowed the scene: “No brown poop, no KKK, no fascist USA! No brown poop, no KKK, no fascist USA! No brown poop, no KKK, no fascist USA!”
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